Citing an increase in teacher reports of public displays of affection, Principal Mike Gaudreau announced on March 20 a new addendum to the Seminole High School Student Handbook for next year, banning all forms of public displays of affection between students.
Teachers have long complained about what they describe as “nauseating, repulsive, and unprofessional” behavior among students, and have won in a landmark executive decision new ways to control their students.
The policy, like many others already in existence in other counties, will forbid students from (among other things) kissing, handholding, and hugging on Seminole’s campus. As always, high-fives and fist-bumps are permitted, but as the only remaining form of approved contact between students. Any such contact lasting for more than three seconds, however, will be considered an act of aggression, and, in accordance with Seminole County’s zero-tolerance policy for fighting, all parties involved will be suspended.
English teacher Mrs. Ida Schwartz said, “All of these kids in the hallways, constantly doing all of these terribly lewd things in front of the whole school—it’s time we have stricter punishments and stronger enforcement for those who represent themselves and the school in such an unattractive way.”
Yet, many students feel that the planned policy infringes on their freedom of expression. Freshman James Gallagher lamented the fact that he “won’t ever get to kiss his girlfriend at school anymore. She was, like, the only thing that brightened up my day in the mornings. You can’t stop teenagers from doing what they do best!”
His mother agreed: Ms. Julia Gallagher, a concerned parent, noted, “If we stop our kids from releasing all of this here pent-up sexual tension during the school day, who knows how else they’re gonna blow it off? When they’re too scared to do all their neckin’ out in public, they’ll just move to the bathroom, and we all know what’ll come of that…”
Still, Mr. Gaudreau stands behind the plan. “These public displays of affection, honestly, really embarrassed me as a principal. We had trouble showing the school off to prospective students, their parents, and all of the bigwigs from the county. All of this has to end, and this is the best way to do it. And, the new time limit on high-fives and knuckle-touches will help cope with the recent rash of fights we had here on campus.”
All teachers will be required by the new rule to report any instance of publicly-displayed affection to administration, and all students found to be harboring, aiding, or concealing any information about those who engage in such behaviors will be assumed to be working in conspiracy. An anonymous administrator said, “We have to crack down. If one student thinks they can get away with it, we’re going to have to deal with them for up to four years afterward.”
Because of the huge volume of additional paperwork that will be required to properly execute this new plan, this soon-to-be revealed administrator, a longtime proponent of the measure, is poised to be appointed to the new position of “Assistant Principal of Fights and Lewd Behavior” to spearhead the enforcement of the new rules and deal with all of the required paperwork. “I’ve already gone shopping for stopwatches so that I can time students’ together time. We’ve really gotta go all the way on this one. And don’t even try any two-fisted fist bumps: we count total contact time for each hand, so only if you want to risk not finishing your greeting in the 1½ seconds you’ll have.”