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My name is Godwin Percival Moon, renowned homosexual cultural critic, esteemed eclectic, and—above all—a man. A hopelessly inquisitive man. Allow me to indulge you with some of my backstory. I worked for the pigeon post in Paris during the four-month siege of the city by Prussian forces. I worked in raid balloons, delivering mail and secret messages across the communications blockade set up by the Prussians. I sent 65 unguided mail balloons and only two went missing. In the worst winter on record. Two. Anyway, I quickly grew tired of the increasingly bourgeois climate, so I promptly moved to the USA, where I established the system of Dianetics with my good friend, L. Ron Hubbard. I developed the process called “auditing” with him, in which we would ask test subjects increasingly invasive and non-sequitur questions. Anyway, my pal L. Ron Hubbard and I had a spat and grew apart after one of our test subjects, Marilyn Monroe, died during an auditing session. To be honest, I think it was sorta my fault. In the evening, before her last auditing session, she asked me if she could borrow some of my barbiturates to help her sleep. I said ABSOLUTELY, NO PROBLEM.
Flash forward twenty-or-so years. I’m in my apartment in Greenwich Village reading some blogs on my iPad (Haha, nope, it was an IBM PC/XT370. Remember, this was 1983.). I managed to secure a good job at the Austin Chronicle. Nice! I like those guys in Austin. I called up my good friend Cary Grant, and he helped me settle in, and we shared a lot of beers and talked about the good old days. Unfortunately, he died soon after I moved. I held my position at the Austin Chronicle for a good twenty years, until I was relieved of my position. Okay, it was all a gross misunderstanding from all parties. I had to relieve myself after a long day of critiquing albums (I think it was Neon Bible—F- ALBUM ARCADE FIRE SUCKS), so I decided to release the Kraken at a playground. Well, it turns out the playground was on preschool property, and the janitor guy that shows up early called the cops! The nerve of the guy! So I was charged with public indecency and exposing myself to a minor. I was quickly branded a pederast, and had to serve six months in county. That wasn’t even the worst part! Imagine having to tell all your neighbors that you’re a pederast and a convicted sex offender—IN TEXAS. I quickly moved to Florida, and I did a couple of odd jobs and freelance jobs, and somehow I ended up here. Doing Grammy predictions.
*BOLD INDICATES PREDICTION TO WIN
Record of the Year
Get Lucky — Daft Punk & Pharrell Williams
Radioactive — Imagine Dragons
Royals — Lorde
Locked Out Of Heaven — Bruno Mars
Blurred Lines — Robin Thicke Featuring T.I. & Pharrell
The Lorde song here will win, but for no good reason. Actually, I can give reasons as to why the Lorde song SHOULDN’T win. Here are two.
1. Lorde looks like a lizard.
2. Actually couldn’t come up with a second rationale, so here’s the specifications of Danny Carey’s drumset (from ModernDrummer)
Drums, Sonor Designer Series (bubinga wood): 8×14 snare (bronze), 8×8 tom, 10×10 tom, 16×14 tom, 18×16 floor tom, two 18×24 bass drums.
Cymbals, Paiste: 14″ Sound Edge Dry Crisp hi-hats, 6″ signature bell over 8″ signature bell, 10″ signature splash, 24″ 2002 China, 18″ signature full crash, #3 cup chime over #1 cup chime, 18″ signature power crash, 12″ signature Micro-Hat, 22″ signature Dry Heavy ride, 22″ signature Thin China, 20″ signature Power crash.
Electronics: Simmons SDX pads, Korg Wave Drum, Roland MC-505, Oberheim TVS.
Hardware: Sonor stands, Sonor, Axis or Pro-Mark hi-hat stand, Axis or Pearl bass drum petals with Sonor or Pearl beaters (loose string tension, but with long throw).
Heads: Evans Power Center on snare batter (medium high tuning, no muffling), G2s on tom batters with G1s underneath (medium tuning with bottom head higher than batter), EQ3 bass drum batter with EQ3 resonant on front (medium tuning, with EQ pad touching front and back heads).
Album of the Year
The Blessed Unrest — Sara Bareilles
Random Access Memories — Daft Punk
Good Kid, M.A.A.D City — Kendrick Lamar
The Heist — Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
Red — Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift’s album here is the strongest of the bunch, no doubt—formally voracious in a pop-bestseller format, with a keen eye for specificity. The feisty songs on the album work the best, although her predilection for verisimilitude actually brings the album DOWN in some cases. Let’s not forget, the album sold a ****ton as well.
Song of the Year
Just Give Me A Reason — Jeff Bhasker, Pink & Nate Ruess, songwriters (Pink Featuring Nate Ruess)
Locked Out Of Heaven — Philip Lawrence, Ari Levine & Bruno Mars, songwriters (Bruno Mars)
Roar — Lukasz Gottwald, Max Martin, Bonnie McKee, Katy Perry & Henry Walter, songwriters (Katy Perry)
Royals — Joel Little & Ella Yelich O’Connor, songwriters (Lorde)
Same Love — Ben Haggerty, Mary Lambert & Ryan Lewis, songwriters (Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Featuring Mary Lambert)
This song is Very Important.
Best New Artist
James Blake
Kendrick Lamar
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
Kacey Musgraves
Ed Sheeran
James Blake is as abstruse as William Blake and about as popular, but far less talented. Beware the hype from questionable tastemakers (Pitchfork, Theneedledrop), this is some ersatz rubbish.
Ed Sheeran’s inclusion is baffling and not worth discussing further.
Kendrick Lamar is the obvious choice here. Overlooking the fact that his album is bad (weak hook game, sounds like an alien, skits inserted only to make album more…autobiographical, meandering songs, everyone is overestimating his lasting power and importance), he seems most apt to win—the music cognoscenti have established him as an important figure that has Changed Hip Hop and is now running the game.
YIKES, just hit the word limit. THANKS FOR LISTENING ALL. To my ex-wife, I’m sorry it couldn’t work out. My failure to save our marriage haunts me to this day. I hope you and Broz Tito are enjoying life in Baltimore. (See below 4 more predictions without my valuable insight :c)
Best Pop Solo Performance
Brave — Sara Bareilles
Royals — Lorde
When I Was Your Man — Bruno Mars
Roar — Katy Perry
Mirrors — Justin Timberlake
Best Pop Duo/Group Performance
Get Lucky — Daft Punk & Pharrell Williams
Just Give Me A Reason — Pink Featuring Nate Ruess
Stay — Rihanna Featuring Mikky Ekko
Blurred Lines — Robin Thicke Featuring T.I. & Pharrell
Suit & Tie — Justin Timberlake & Jay Z
Best Pop Vocal Album
Paradise — Lana Del Rey
Pure Heroine — Lorde
Unorthodox Jukebox — Bruno Mars
Blurred Lines — Robin Thicke
The 20/20 Experience — The Complete Experience — Justin Timberlake
Best Dance Recording
Need U (100%) — Duke Dumont Featuring A*M*E & MNEK
Sweet Nothing — Calvin Harris Featuring Florence Welch
Atmosphere — Kaskade
This Is What It Feels Like — Armin Van Buuren Featuring Trevor Guthrie
Clarity — Zedd Featuring Foxes
Best Dance/Electronica Album
Random Access Memories — Daft Punk
Settle — Disclosure
18 Months — Calvin Harris
Atmosphere — Kaskade
A Color Map of the Sun — Pretty Lights
Best Rock Album
13 — Black Sabbath
The Next Day — David Bowie
Mechanical Bull — Kings Of Leon
Celebration Day — Led Zeppelin
…Like Clockwork — Queens Of The Stone Age
Psychedelic Pill — Neil Young With Crazy Horse
Best R&B Performance
Love And War — Tamar Braxton
Best Of Me — Anthony Hamilton
Nakamarra — Hiatus Kaiyote Featuring Q-Tip
How Many Drinks? — Miguel Featuring Kendrick Lamar
Something — Snarky Puppy with Lalah Hathaway
Best Urban Contemporary Album
Love And War – Tamar Braxton
Side Effects Of You – Fantasia
One: In The Chamber – Salaam Remi
Unapologetic – Rihanna
New York: A Love Story – Mack Wilds
Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
Power Trip – J. Cole Featuring Miguel
Part II (On The Run) – Jay Z Featuring Beyoncé
Holy Grail – Jay Z Featuring Justin Timberlake
Now Or Never – Kendrick Lamar Featuring Mary J. Blige
Remember You – Wiz Khalifa Featuring The Weeknd
Started From The Bottom – Drake
Berzerk – Eminem
Tom Ford – Jay Z
Swimming Pools (Drank) – Kendrick Lamar
Thrift Shop – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Featuring Wanz
Best Rap Song
…Problems – Tauheed Epps, Aubrey Graham, Kendrick Lamar, Rakim Mayers & Noah Shebib, songwriters (ASAP Rocky Featuring Drake, 2 Chainz & Kendrick Lamar)
Holy Grail – Shawn Carter, Terius Nash, J. Harmon, Timothy Mosley, Justin Timberlake & Ernest Wilson, songwriters (Kurt Cobain, Dave Grohl & Krist Novoselic, songwriters) (Jay Z Featuring Justin Timberlake)
New Slaves – Christopher Breaux, Ben Bronfman, Mike Dean, Louis Johnson, Malik Jones, Elon Rutberg, Sakiya Sandifer, Che Smith, Kanye West & Cydell Young, songwriters (Anna Adamis & Gabor Presser, songwriters) (Kanye West)
Started From The Bottom – W. Coleman, Aubrey Graham & Noah Shebib, songwriters (Bruno Sanfilippo, songwriter) (Drake)
Thrift Shop – Ben Haggerty & Ryan Lewis, songwriters (Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Featuring Wanz)
Best Rap Album
Nothing Was The Same – Drake
Magna Carta…Holy Grail – Jay Z
Good Kid, M.A.A.D City – Kendrick Lamar
The Heist – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis