THE SEMINOLE TIMES

THE SEMINOLE TIMES

THE SEMINOLE TIMES

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HURRICANE OF ISSUES STRIKES: A RETROSPECTIVE

The following article was published as a part of The Seminole’s 2014 April Fool’s issue! The information, quotations, and other content is completely fictitious and should not be considered a true representation of the school, the administration, or other governing entities.

Perhaps some denizens of the western hemisphere have noticed that many issues arise in the world, such as the corrosive chemical issue in Syria and the explosive issue of the unfortunate accident at the West Fertilizer Company, a crappy turn of events. People have seen these issues getting bigger and bigger, but only as the devastating storm approaches.

Recent studies have revealed the birth of the new unit of measurement the micromort, a measure of the death rate of a human population per million people. The micromort is affected by multiple factors, all of which minimally affect the infinitesimally minute chance that one may die in the next minute. For instance, consuming 1000 bananas in one’s lifetime increases your chance of dying by 3 micromorts due to their microscopic radioactivity. While these fruits are appealing, one might not risk being cooked from the inside by their delicious glow.

Some disagree with the use of the micromort as a standard of measure.

Junior Mortimer Walsh ceded “I’m not sure how I feel about this issue; it’s a split decision. Bananas are appealing, because they are so delicious. However I feel that the eventual peeling of the banana from the diet can lead to detrimental health effects.”

Appliance Direct, with the most popular Chinese spokesman, has released a whole new blend of kitchen appliances. They hope to rinse and repeat their sales techniques with the introduction of new dishwashers that will create a whirlpool of new potential customers. They are now going to introduce a line of small kitchen appliances with a focus on cheese graters. This Chinese man will be known as “The Grate Lord of the Wash.” Unfortunately, these efforts by Appliance Direct were swept away by a drought of interest as cheese graters, as it turns out, are not all the rage, especially when compared to a dishwasher machine.

Senior Jay Fosett expressed confusion, going against the tide. “I don’t understand all the rage against the dishwasher machine at AD. It’s a great idea!”

The ice in Russia, the Cold War power, is beginning to crack. Russian troops are streaming into Ukraine after the Sochi Olympics, inciting a flaming passion for Russian annexation in the Crimean district of Ukraine. Ukrainian officials have feared what the Russian president would do ever since he was Putin charge. Russian officials responded to complaints from the Ukrainian foreign minister with a simple statement “Crimea river.” The hasty Russian action suggests that Putin certainly wasn’t Stalin.

Russian freshman Natalya Desinovic agreed. “The Crimea was stolen from Russia by greedy capitalist Ukraine. They deserve to be accepted into a Soviet Reunion.”

This plethora of possibly pernicious problems can only mean one thing will continue to persist unless some important structural changes in the world can be made.