Evan Rapp

Evan Rapp, Content Manager

Hi there. While everyone else is adding a personal touch to their bios, I feel that’s unnecessary, and quite impossible in my case, for I am Tyr reborn as Galactus; it’s also quite difficult to add a personal touch to anything not actually written by myself. You see, I’ve actually outsourced this work to the Oompa-Loompas I keep in a cage under my desk. I do fear, however, that their stubby fingers are ill-suited for a keyboard, and since they are using typewriters, please excuse any interruptions, as they are irreversible, but luckily not unpunishable.

I guess I should tell you about myself, and before you ask, I hate long walks on the beach: sand in every orifice is a might bit uncomfortable.

I went to a concert recently. And similar to young ladies throwing clothing onstage during their favorite songs, I too tossed my clothing towards the stage. It’s unfortunate that the band playing had composed 9 of my favorite songs, so I had to wear a lot of clothes, that I might have some left after throwing them onstage in my glee. Misfortune struck; the music group released a new hit single at the concert, which quickly became my favorite, and I obliged to throw my last bit of clothing onstage.

The catch is that this was the Orlando Philharmonic Orchestra, which Schoolchildren are often taken to during school trips. I caught on after the eighth piece of clothing thrown that no one else was partaking in the obligatory concert etiquette of throwing them. As you can imagine, I was thrown out after the tenth thrown, even though I offered the female security guard a nice tip. I walked home in nothing but my XXL trousers.

My favorite pokemon is Psyduck because it makes me feel good about myself; I’m not a halfwit dithering duck with mental problems.

I always wondered what Spider-man would be like if he were instead bitten by a snail. I imagine he’d be a lot less interesting, and maybe a bit slower on the uptake. He’d probably spend his days sticking himself to office windows in high-rises for hours on end. Although a human-sized snail would be absolutely terrifying, the office workers would appreciate the break from the monotony

Well, I did wonder what would happen until I had an Oompa-Loompa bitten by a radioactive snail. When he died of radiation poisoning, the rest of the Oompa-Loompas gladly feasted, albeit voraciously.

I think that wraps it up. My favorite color is blue, and Charizard is the best.

please help us

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