THE SEMINOLE NEWSPAPER

SEMINOLE “EGGS ON” ENVIRONMENTAL SUSTAINABILITY

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SEMINOLE “EGGS ON” ENVIRONMENTAL SUSTAINABILITY

Sam Brenner

Can people stand the stench of rotting eggs to save the ozone layer?

Sam Brenner, Editor in Chief

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The following article was published as a part of The Seminole’s 2014 April Fool’s issue! The information, quotations, and other content is completely fictitious and should not be considered a true representation of the school, the administration, or other governing entities.

After recent findings that global warming can be stopped by sulfuric acid, the caustic chemical that gives acid rain its corrosive character, Seminole has joined schools across the nation in the “Eliminating Greenhouse Gases” (EGG) campaign. The effort to reduce global warming encourages participants to collect eggs from home and local grocers in order to let them rot, releasing sulfur compounds into the atmosphere and shielding Earth’s surface from the sun’s warming rays. At Seminole, each first-period class will compete against the rest of the school to bring in the most rotting eggs.

Students in Seminole’s Environment Club have already begun to distribute decorated egg-baskets to each teacher with a first period, and the class with the most eggs in its basket will win a catered omelet breakfast on Earth Day, April 22.

President of Environment Club, senior Rayne Greene said, “We’re so excited to help protect our planet’s flora and fauna from the pollution that proliferates so widely across the world. Rotting eggs sure might stink, but rising oceans and mass extinctions will surely stink more.”

Other students, as well as some teachers, aren’t so happy about the campaign.

“Environment this, environment that—I don’t know why anyone’s trying to save these stupid whales!” said sophomore Bethany Martin. “Obviously they can’t adapt to the planet’s natural cycles of warming and cooling. It’s their fault that they’re not fit enough to survive. This is all probably some liberal plot to hurt American students with noxious smells and hazardous, decaying food.”

A cohort of teachers is also opposed to the program. History teacher Mr. Demetrius Galindez said, “Sure, I recycle everything, and I love the environment, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to teach with a huge pile of rotting eggs in my room. I’m just not sure that an omelet breakfast is worth it, even if they put in the little chopped peppers and all.”

Still, the project is rolling ahead, and the possible end to global warming that it promises to bring is sure to have environmentalists clucking.

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Sam Brenner, Editor-in-Chief

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