The following article was published as a part of The Seminole’s 2013 April Fool’s issue! The information, quotations, statistics, and other content is completely fictitious and should not be considered a true representation of the school, the administration, or other governing entities.

In order to implement new security protocols developed for Seminole High School in the wake of the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting, Mr. Nelson Hilario, Seminole’s bike-mounted security officer, will be assigned a Vespa, a popular brand of motor scooter.

The scooter will be used to bring Mr. Hilario’s top speed up to par with the other security officers on campus who ride golf carts. Administration claimed that use of the scooter will allow security staff to completely respond to campus disturbances significantly more quickly than before, where just a few seconds can make a big difference.

Since the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting in Connecticut, administration has already implemented a number of other security measures including a new gate- and door-locking protocol. Not all are popular with the students, many of whom are annoyed by the locked doors all over campus that force them to change their daily routines.

Sophomore James MacPherson claimed, “I used to use the stairs in the back of Tribe every day after English so that I could get to my locker. Now I have to walk all the way around the building or else I’ll be locked in the parking lot behind the building with no way back in.”

Despite administration’s assertion that the Vespa will be necessary to ensure that campus disturbances like fights will be handled within one minute, the measure has its opponents. An anonymous teacher said, “This is all just a way for administration to make up for the inconvenience they caused students when they started locking doors in Tribe and the Science Building.”

Senior Michelle Harris thought that the procedures will be unnecessary and obtrusive. “After just twenty minutes of grabbing a bite at Taco Bell, I have to come back, get a new parking spot, and hop the fence to get back on campus, which—believe me—is pretty hard on a stomach full of chalupas.”

Even with all the criticism, it will certainly be hard to argue that Mr. Hilario won’t look cooler than ever with his new scooter.