The following article was published as a part of The Seminole’s 2013 April Fool’s issue! The information, quotations, statistics, and other content is completely fictitious and should not be considered a true representation of the school, the administration, or other governing entities.

Dear Carmen, I want to lose about twenty pounds before prom. How do I do that quickly? I don’t have much time and the dress I bought is one size too small. I can’t go get another one. – Desperate

(Carmen reads the question and facepalms herself. She stares out the window, at the gorgeous Francisco playing soccer with his little cousins. Suddenly, Tía Rosa enters the room, talking rapidly in fast-paced Spanish. This causes Carmen to jump and spill her coffee over her notebook. Sighing, she mops up the spill and begins writing.)

Dear Desperate,

 Typical girl problem that you have entertained me with. Firstly, prom is in a month. You have a month to lose twenty pounds. Is that even humanly possible? Who knows. Well, I know. Or rather, Tía Rosa knows (she’s yelling at me as I write this). It’s the Fat-Chance-That-You’ll-Lose-Weight-In-Time diet (see what I did there?).

The key is soda. Lots and lots of soda. Zero calorie soda. You know why soda works? Because it fills you up and makes you lose your appetite, and it’ll have those calories burning. Burning like they’re as hot as, say, Channing Tatum (Carmen swoons). And right now you may be asking why soda fills you up. It’s all dem air bubbles, yo. They take up a bunch of space in your stomach so obviously you’re not going to want to eat anything else. The hardest thing about losing weight is avoiding all that heavenly goodness such as cheesecake with rich chocolate drizzled all over it, flan, crème brule, banana fudge sundaes, cheesy pizza, tembleque, ice cream….

Now that you’re not thinking about good food or anything, let’s construct this diet plan for the next month. Every day, increase the amount of soda you drink. First week you drink two sodas a day. Second week you drink three sodas a day. Till the night leading up to prom, you’ll be chugging all dat carbonated sugar-ness like a boss. And if you feel like throwing up, CALM YOURSELF. It’s part of the diet effects.

Now you might be thinking that this plan is very, very unhealthy. But think about it: you’re cutting back on other calories by just taking in soda. That soda is going to reduce your appetite for everything else. That means you eat less, and you drink more. And everyone loves soda. It’s a win-win!

We’re missing a major part of the diet: exercise. Something Tia Rosa just suggested: center your fingers on the tip of your nose so that you’re perfectly balanced and engages all the right muscles. Suck in your stomach and pretend you’re a model and DANG girl, you’ll be looking fine on prom night.

Because really, how else are you going to lose that weight? Desperate times call for desperate measures, mi amiga (my fail attempt to connect with my Spanish heritage). You need to lose a dress size, and fast.

Until next time, mi amor. Happy drinking!

(Carmen yelps and falls off the chair as she finishes typing this when a soccer ball hits the window. Francisco comes running up to her window, which is conveniently located on the bottom floor and apologetically grabs the ball and waves at Carmen as he jogs away. The room is silent, except for Carmen’s fast-beating, swooning heart.)