THE SEMINOLE TIMES

Max Schuman

Max Schuman, Sports Manager

Max was born in the African savanna to a family of intrepid safari-goers, but became tragically separated from his family in a poacher raid. He was rescued by a kind mother giraffe, who raised him from his infancy to his teenage years. He still regards this giraffe as a key influence on his life for teaching him to always strive for the highest branches. However, after he was mercilessly bullied by the other giraffes for his short neck and tongue, he ran away from his giraffe community, searching for a higher purpose in life. He eventually caught on with a band of Somali pirates, who taught him to speak and then put him to work swabbing the decks and doing other odd jobs. As the giraffe life had instilled little in the way of a moral system (or, really, much of any idea as to what was going on in the world), he unwittingly went along with the orders. Eventually, he was approached by an American double agent who asked him for knowledge of the workings of the pirate infrastructure in exchange for protection in America, and, again failed by his rudimentary giraffe education, unknowingly betrayed his crew-mates. He absconded to America with the agent, who placed him in Seminole County and gave him a position on the school newspaper as the sports manager. To this day, the impressionable Max still yearns for a swashbuckling life on the high seas. And a longer neck, too.

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